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Aliens in Edenderry

Aliens reported in Edenderry in Offaly... sure why not?
Aliens reported in Edenderry in Offaly… sure why not?

“Look at them bloody immigrants
In their fancy fuck off UFO
Paid for with a grant from the government
Just like their antennae polishing, dont you know”
Grumblings from the unimpressed locals
When green multilegged Aliens were seen making merry
Drinking the dregs from bottles on the streets
Of the Offaly town of Edenderry.

The Guards were called, they were appalled
The aliens were Drunk
They  slurred their  words, sounded absurd,
Tripped over their tentacles with a clunk.
This strange vehicle the guards inspected, as it glowed there in the dark
The UFO had no tax, not NCT, nothing could they provide
They were drunken driving, one guard interjected he suspected,
The other agreed, saying possibly drug dealing on the side!

“What will we do with them?” said the local priest, “are they Catholic at all?
Do you think their Travellers, from a halting site in outerspace?”
“I don’t care the guard, my shift is ending soon,
If they are ISIS jihadists as long as they get out of this place!”
“Here lads”, says the second Traffic Cops Garda, “you have no immigration papers
Nor current driving license, no NCT, insurance, tax or flying permit to show…
Your causing us a problem, we don’t want the TV boys  in this town
But I don’t want any paperwork, so Ill give you a fine and you can go.”

“Tell wank you” said the Alien, “fpot sine I pill way”
While trying to make sense of an Apple like dictionary machine
His colleagues were eying up the local chicks, and drooling at the site
Hoping to catch some STD’s to prove to Earth and Edenderry they had been.
But when the Alien put his hand to his wallet, he found it was not there…
Some local gurrier had swiped his wallet of it he was sure…
Sure it could have been the Garda, the computer intelligence machine gave its report
Sure every one in Edenderry is a hoor!

Says the Garda, “Of that we are innocent
We did not commit the crime
Its our job to solve it, we are police
We are not guilty of that… this time!
Count yourself lucky your in Edenderry,
And watch were around Offaly you go
Stay the fuck out of Clara…
There they’ll steal the whole damn feck UFO!”

Id read about Aliens in the paper
Over Edenderry’s skies a fortnight ago was seen
But I got the above report from Willie Rimes…
Who said at the scene he had been…
They were green and grey, Willie did say
With many tentacled arms…
And drooled and spooled their tenacles
At passing women to their alarms.

The truth of the tale I do not know…
Not accusing Willie Rimes of telling a lie…
That hes prone to exaggerating…
Is a fact I wont deny…
I must ask Martin O Reilly
If I see him on the street
Only the other evening outside Centra in Tullamore
Him crossing there I did meet.

Aliens in Edenderry is a strange one
Getting drunk, running amuck
Harassing local lady folk…
Drooling drunkenly, acting the nyeuck
Knowing Willie drunk and silly
Seeing him there falling up against the shelf…
The truth of the tale he did regale
Is that the alien offenders were himself!

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